


Forever Yours

by Mercy_Rhyne



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, References to Depression, References to Suicide, There's some cute, it's all there, there's some sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 21:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14860724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercy_Rhyne/pseuds/Mercy_Rhyne
Summary: Roman writes a letter to his boyfriend





	Forever Yours

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: a few references to depression and implications of suicide

_Patton, my love,_

_I hope you know that I love you. I don’t think there is anyone on this earth who I love as much as I love you. All of my happiest memories are related to you in a way. I can’t imagine my life without you anymore._

_I remember the first time we met. It was at Virgil’s birthday party. I had just moved here from Florida. I had just moved in with Virge, and Virgil insisted I met all of his friends. Especially you. He told me I would love you. And he was right. From the first moment I saw you, I knew I would love you. I knew that one way or another, you would have an impact on my life, romantically, platonically, I knew I needed you in my life, I knew you would be important to me. You were so sweet and so kind, and you were so eager to involve me in the conversation, even if I was too scared to join in. You were so adorable and I remember thinking how kind and caring you were, and how lucky Virgil was to have a friend like you. I remember wishing you would some day be my friend as well._

_And you became my friend. After that party, we exchanged numbers and we texted each other every day. I saw you a lot. At first, I only saw you when you hung out with Virgil at our place. Sometimes, I would talk to you, but I often kept my distance. I never really admitted it to you, but I was scared that I would scare you off. I loved talking to you so much, and I was scared that you would dislike the real me. I wanted to keep you around._

_Virgil noticed it, though. He saw how different I was around you, and he just… he just knew. Even if he didn’t immediately bring it up, I saw it. I noticed it in the way his eyes lit up when he talked about you. Or how he smiled when he told me he invited you over. It took him a few weeks, but he finally confronted me about it. And that conversation was when I realised I was falling in love with you. Suddenly, it all made sense. It explained why your name made my heart go crazy, why looking at you made my legs go numb and my mind stop working, why I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I was in love with you._

_At first, Virge just teased me about it. All the time. But he eventually promised me to help me out, see if it was safe to ask you out. I knew it was stupid to do. I knew it was dumb and childish. But I was so scared you would reject me. And that would make things weird, for me, but also for Virge._

_You don’t know how relieved I was when Virgil told me he had managed to set us up somehow. I don’t think I’d ever been that happy before that moment. I was so ecstatic! You wouldn’t believe it._

_Then came our first date. I still remember the date. 11 October 2012. Coming out day. It was the perfect day for the perfect date. I know it was cheesy. A picnic in the park, looking at the sunset, stargazing. It was cheesy, but I loved it. Because it was with you. It was cheesy and cliché, but I was with you. And I loved it. That day is one of the happiest in my life._

_And then, our first kiss. New Year’s Eve. At midnight, you kissed me, and I swear I could see fireworks._

_(I’m sorry, was that stupid? I just had to do it, I couldn’t resist)_

_Nothing could ever beat the feeling of that first kiss. The realisation that you wanted us to happen as much as I did. The surprise of the kiss. The cliché romance of the moment. Everything was perfect._

_That was the moment we officially started dating. We had a talk after that, and from that moment, I could finally call you my boyfriend. You don’t know how happy this made me. It was such a small change, but it felt so huge to me. I couldn’t have been happier with you._

_I remember our first anniversary. You took me to the park where we had our first date and sang me a song you and Virgil had written. It was the best gift you could have given me. It was such a perfect night, with such a perfect man. I couldn’t wish for more. I was so happy that night. Truly happy._

_When we were together for three and a half years, you asked me to move in with you. Of course, I said yes. I had thought about it for so long, and now, I didn’t have to think about it for a second. I knew I would say ‘yes’ before you finished your question._

_Moving out was a struggle. Packing up and moving was a pain. Saying goodbye to Virge hurt. I knew it was stupid – I would still see him every other day, and besides: I was going to move in with you! I was so excited to move in with you, to finally make this next step forwards. It was the next step in our relationship I had been dying to take. But it was still difficult. It was a change. At it was scary. But I knew you would be there for me._

_I remember the first time I woke up in our place. (Even now, that makes me smile. ‘Our place’) I was so disoriented, because the room I was in looked nothing like the room I was used to. It wasn’t my bedroom and I had no idea where I was. The walls were the wrong colour, the furniture was different, I wasn’t used to this._

_But feeling your arm wrapped around my waist, your head against the back of my shoulder and your breath against my skin reminded me of the fact that I had officially moved in with you. I had moved in. I was laying in OUR bed. In OUR bedroom. In OUR apartment._

_The first time I could see you waking up that morning was so… special. Of course, we had slept together before. I had seen you wake up before. But it was never in our apartment. This was different. Special._

_That first breakfast together was surreal. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was living with the love of my life. About how I would be able to see you every day. After a long day, I would be able to shout “Honey, I’m home!” and not look like an idiot. Just the thought of that alone was amazing. And that isn’t even counting all the other amazing things about living together with you._

_I could write down every single good memory I have with you, but that would take me ages, for all memories with you are good ones. And even if I wrote down all of those memories, it wouldn’t be able to show you just how much I love you. Because no words would ever be enough._

_I don’t understand how you’ve been able to put up with me for nearly seven years. I don’t think I could’ve done that._

_But with you, these past years have felt like mere moments. I still am that insecure twenty-one year old every time I see you, every time I think of you or hear your name. You still have that effect on me, even after seven years. I love you so much, neither of us can truly comprehend how much. No one ever could. I love you so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much._

_Every day, every week, every month and ever year with you has flown by. I don’t understand how we’ve been able to get this far. I don’t understand you aren’t sick of me yet. ~~I know I am~~_

_You have done so much for me in my life. You have supported me. You have helped me out. With my study, or financially. You have supported me when I tried to pursue theatre. You still support me. It is unbelievable. I love having your unconditional support, but sometimes I feel like I am not worthy of this. ~~Like you deserve better.~~_

_You are the love of my life, Patton, and so often have I thought of spending my life with you. If there is anyone I want to spend my life with, it’s you. You are amazing. You are my everything._

_But things have been getting harder for me these past two years. I know you’ve noticed. I know you’re worrying. And it hurts me that I am hurting YOU like this. I don’t want to hurt you. You don’t deserve to get hurt._

_I have been trying to deal with my thoughts and my problems. I decided to go to a therapist. I am trying to get better. I know it’s stupid to tell you, because you already know. But I felt like I needed to mention this, because I AM trying._

_But it’s just… hard. Sometimes, I can’t even see the point in trying to get better. I’ve been trying for so long and still, nothing has changed. I don’t feel any different. It’s frustrating. I hope you understand that. And I am trying. I am trying for you._

_It’s difficult, but it’s so worth it. Seeing the look on your face makes everything worth it. I would do anything for you. I would fly myself into the sun itself if it would make you smile. Your smile makes everything worth it. It makes everything better._

_But sometimes, it isn’t enough. Sometimes, nothing can make me see the point in living anymore. I try to fight the thoughts, but it takes up so much of my energy. And what is the point, if they are going to come back later like a hydra? Sometimes, I really don’t know. ~~Right now, I’m not sure there even is a point~~_

_I love you Patton, I love you so much and I know it upsets you to see me like this. I am sorry for hurting you. I won’t hurt you again._

_You are the best thing in my life, Patton. And I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry. From this day forwards, I will not hurt you again._

_I have always said that I wanted to spend my entire life with you. I have always told you I wanted to grow old with you. To be with you until the day I die._

_And while I might not have grown old with you, I am glad I at least spent the rest of my life with you._

_I love you. So much. I am sorry for hurting you, my love. You deserve better._

_Thank you for giving me the best seven years of my life. I will never forget you. I hope you won’t forget me either._

_Yours, until the end of time,_

_Roman_  


End file.
